How to write your memoir #4
Part A: Someone else’s secrets
Everyone has secrets.
Writing a memoir is going to give you plenty of opportunities to share secrets — not just your own, but others’ too. But do you want to take those opportunities? Should you?
Imagine if someone close to you said they were writing a memoir. Would your mind leap to what they might include in their story about you? How would you feel about that?
Telling the world about your own life (and secrets) is up to you, but it can be an invasion of privacy and trust to expose the stories of those around you. As you work on your memoir, consider the ethics and impact of what you write.
There are three likely places for your edgy content to come from:
Good intentions
You want to tell a story that includes someone else, and you think it will reflect positively on them. BUT maybe that person wouldn’t like to have that story public.
Before you write: Check with the person/people involved how they would feel to have their part of your story shared. Or if it’s not possible to check with them, speak (confidentially) with others for fresh perspectives.
Bad intentions
You want to tell a story to get back at someone who wronged you, to expose them. BUT revenge is a dangerous motivation at the best of times, and can easily backfire (eg, a nasty memoir can make you look bad).
Before you write: Be honest with yourself about what you want to achieve with your writing, and what the best path to that outcome really is.
Innocence
Maybe it just really doesn’t occur to you that someone would be uncomfortable with having something shared. BUT your values and sensitivities may be completely different to someone else’s.
Before you write: Run your stories through a checklist. Do they include anything illegal (at the time)? Embarrassing? Of a sexual or romantic nature? Morally grey? About mental health?
Listen closely to your author intuition as you consider the stories you want to tell. If you feel even a twinge of doubt about whether something is appropriate to share, then exercise caution.
But of course… you don’t want your own memoir to be a pale, censored version of the truth.
How do you get around these touchy topics, maintaining authenticity at the same time as giving consideration to the people in your life?
Here are a couple of options:
Anonymise the story. Change or completely skip names (and any other identifying information).
Gloss the story. Is that juicy bit of info about someone else really relevant to your story? If not, then it’s easy to let their secrets stay their own.
Get consent from the other person/people. Sometimes having that opportunity to be in control of their story is enough to help someone feel okay about it being shared.
Do these options work for your situation?
There will be some secrets that need a different solution. If this is the case, spend some time thinking deeply about how a secret fits into your story, and your motivation or intention in wanting to include it.
If the solution doesn’t reveal itself, then come and talk to me (or speak with another writing coach) to help you get unstuck.
